SONG DESCRIPTIONS:

"HAM FOR THE HOLIDAYS!" CD

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Ham for the Holidays!
CD SONG LIST:

Ham for the Holidays, I Tricked Nick,
If Farts Were Made Out of Superball Stuff,

Fruitcake, Art

SONG DESCRIPTIONS:
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MEET "TOMMY" TURKEY:
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Frosty morning sunrise, leaves are gonna' fall.
holidays are coming ... This turkey's feeling small ...

VERSE
My mother told the story of how Grandma was whacked.
She crept into the kitchen and saw her on a rack.
Feathers plucked, all full of stuff, she was lying in the buff.
Worst of all, no head was looking back!

CHORUS
Why can't everyone have ham for the holidays?
Why can't everyone have pork with their pies?
I guess I'll never know. I guess I'll never grow.
Guess I should learn how to fly...

VERSE II
I wake up to the laughter from the old pig pen.
He knows it's me they're after. He's teasing me again!
Isn't PORK "The *other* white meat?," I recall...
Now the pig is silent in his stall!

I've heard that there's savior in religion.
In India, the cow's a sacred beast.
But my faith is low. I'm feelin' fat. I look silly in this pilgrim hat.
No Hindu's gonna' save me from this feast!

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Why can't life be like "A Christmas Story?"
I'd sing "Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra" and be in luck!
Then, I'd only model for the pictures
and they would all be drooling at the duck!

VERSE III
But life is never just like in the movies.
I've been gettting overfed for days.
I'm plucking out my feathers in a frenzy...
Why is it Jews don't eat pork anyway?

Last night the barn fell silent. I've wondered what was wrong.
Just like my Mom before me, I'll sneek into their home.
Feathers shakin', chance is taken. Why do I think I smell bacon?
Oh my God, the pig is in the stove!

CHORUS
Why can't everyone have ham for the holidays?
Why can't everyone have pork with their pies?
Sure pigs are cleaner and they're smarter,
but juicier for roasting, turkey's dry!
At least this much I know, I guess this year, I'll grow.
Next year, I'll learn how to fly...

Sound Recording Copyright 2005/Song 2003, ASCAP

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"I TRICKED NICK"

VERSE
You've all met Santa, but did anyone know?
Sometimes he takes along his nephew Nicky in tow.
Only twenty-0ne and a face full of fun.
The minute we met, I had to get me some!

CHORUS
I tricked Nick into thinkin' I'm good.
I tricked Nick into thinkin' I would.
Pick a toy, when he offered a gift,
but when he got near, I whispered in his ear.

Nick, Nick, kiss me quick.
Nick, Nick, Nick, your kiss is what I pick.
Nick, Nick, you better make it stick.
I know you gotta' go, but I'll warm you from the cold.

VERSE
He smiled ... looked away. How cute! He was shy.
But I knew he was game by the twinkle in his eye.
Then this flirt tugged his shirt, an' I kept him from his work.
I grabbed his bag of toys and I laid one on the boy!

CHORUS
I tricked Nick into thinkin' I'm good.
I tricked Nick into thinkin' I would.
Pick a toy, when he offered a gift,
but I couldn't resist his merry little lips.

Nick, Nick, kiss me quick.
Nick, Nick, Nick, your kiss is what I pick.
Nick, Nick, you better make it stick.
I know you gotta' go, but I'll warm you from the cold.

VERSE
He was shocked to his socks, as he grinned at the floor.
Retreatin' and repeatin' it was quarter to four.
He blushed, as he rushed, then confessed as he left,
"I better hike it up the chimney. Uncle Santa's gonna' skin me!"

Nick, Nick, kiss me quick.
Nick, Nick, Nick, your kiss is what I pick.
Nick, Nick, you better make it stick.
I'll be good next year, if you kiss me over there!

CHORUS
I tricked Nick into thinkin' I'm good.
I tricked Nick into thinkin' I would.
Pick a toy, when he offered a gift,
but I couldn't resist his merry little lips.

Nick, Nick, kiss me quick.
Nick, Nick, Nick, your kiss is what I pick.
Nick, Nick, you better make it stick.
I have kisses to give, an' you know where I live ...

Sound Recording Copyright 2005/Song 2004, ASCAP

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"FRUITCAKE"

In Grandma Roses' kitchen I was born.
When forced to leave that Christmas, I was torn.
Sometimes bein' a fruitcake leaves me cold.
At least I'm not the funky, green marshmellow jello mold!

CHORUS
So many holidays... So many long buffets...
I've been served with every kind of food you can create.
There was... turkey with gigantic legs, port cheese, crackers,
deviled eggs, honey ham and even Spam, smelly jelly from a can,
mincemeat pie with raisin eyes, popovers with no insides,
Ambrosia salad, cleanse your pallet, even hotdogs are more valid.
The loneliest food, make no mistake,
is this vintage Hickory Farms heirloom fruitcake.

VERSE
Next year, I surprised Aunt Eleanor.
She hung me like a wreath upon her door.
Then used me as a gift to Uncle Chuck,
who tried to pass me off as candied stuffing with the duck!

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Fruitcake... Fruitcake... I'm breakin' down... Used to be brown...
Fruitcake... Fruitcake... Just like Aunt Millies' old pet monkey,
this fruitcake is smellin' funky... FUNKY!

VERSE
Every family has a fruitcake. (You know who you are!)
Climb the tree all drunk on eggnog wearin' a hat made from the star!

CHORUS

I'm the oldest, yet moldless, the only thing not on your dish...
I wonder who'll get me on next years' Christmas list!

Sound Recording Copyright 2005/Song 2004, ASCAP

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"IF FARTS WERE MADE OUT OF
SUPERBALL STUFF"

VERSE
Farts are so fragile, they're fashioned from gas.
So why must we squeeze just to help them to pass?
Yet, farts are so strong once they break in the air.
They're a sure fire way for a room to get cleared.

CHORUS
But if farts were made out of Superball stuff,
They'd bounce right back, when they fell from your butt.
They'd keep their scent, so the smell would be rough,
...If farts were made out of Superball stuff.

VERSE
Farts are so friendly. They follow your tail.
Although you can't see them, they leave quite a trail.
Farts aren't colored. They're so hard to find,
and so fun to light when they leave your behind!

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Just imagine the free, tiny toys they would be!
In my pockets, I'd keep 'em to throw at your feet...
CHORUS

Sound Recording Copyright 2005/Song 2003, ASCAP

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"ART"

VERSE I
He's four foot one, eats goats for fun,
loves to bake all day in the tropical sun.
OK, no goats were had, only some mice and rats.
Has the whole block scared, thinkin' he's so bad.

CHORUS
His name is Art, like you hang on the wall.
Wear him on my shoulders, like a squirmy shawl.
His name is Art. He likes to watch TV.
I lay him on my lap so that he can see.

VERSE II
He loves to sneak away, so he can laugh and play.
They say he ate two children in a single day.
He may be short and lean, but he is never mean.
He's the smallest man-eater that I've ever seen!

CHORUS
His name is Art, never comes when you call.
When you think about it, he's just too darn small,
to be so smart, to look for children to eat.
Can't run very fast, 'cause he has no feet!

BRIDGE
Who'd have guessed, that a snake could make such a story.
My neighbors would laugh, if they only knew.
How can a reptile be on trial, if none of their tales were even true?

CHORUS
His name is Art. I'm gonna' bring him to school.
'cause, when ya' think about it, he is totally cool.
And he is smart - er than the average beast.
He's got the bullies on my block all afraid of me!

CHORUS
His name is Art, like you hang on the wall.
Wear him on my shoulders, like a squirmy shawl.
His name is Art, and he's a friend to me.
Someday, we'll run away to live in tropical trees...

Sound Recording Copyright 2005/Song 2004, ASCAP

SIMILAR ARTISTS: WEIRD AL YANKOVIC,
RANDY NEWMAN,ADAM SANDLER, FRANK ZAPPA

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